Why Am I So Lonely?
“Is it a sharp pain, an achy pain, or an on-and-off pain?” –My doctor after I fell off a ladder (Clark Griswold style)
The reason the type of pain matters is because different pains indicate different problems. A sharp pain could be a herniated disk, a dull achy pain could be a bone bruise, and off-and-on pain could be… Well, I don’t really know because I’m not an MD.
So when someone tells me they are lonely I always ask, “What kind of lonely are you?”
Different types of loneliness have different root causes and manifest differently. And most importantly, they have different treatments. Depending on your situation, you may have more than one of them.
Familial Loneliness:
Think of a first year college student living away from the comfort and security of home for the first time. In the dorms you are surrounded by new friends and there are constantly social events happening. And yet, 19-70% of first year college student report feeling homesick (Scientific Journal of Emotion, 2017). They miss their family.
Familial Loneliness isn’t restricted to college students. It can be working professionals that are living in different cities than their family. It can be people who have fallen out of touch with their favorite sibling or cousin. It can be someone who’s relative has died and they miss them.
Romantic Loneliness:
It’s tough to find a quality partner.
You can have ample friends, a great relationship with your family, but still feel INTENSE loneliness because you lack romantic intimacy. You don’t have the consistency of someone asking about your day. You don’t have someone to make future plans with. You don’t have someone to give you physical affection.
Even if you’re in a relationship you can still feel romantic loneliness. In fact, at some point in your relationship you will feel it. You may start to feel disconnected from your partner. You may no longer spend quality time together like you once did. The quality and frequency of sexual intimacy may decline or cease to exist completely.
Romantic loneliness is especially high after a break up.
And it might not be solved through dating apps.
Platonic Loneliness:
Let’s be real, it’s toughhhhhh to make friends as an adult.
And no, it’s not just you. Since 1990, the average number of friendships has seen a HUGE decline (American Survey Center, 2021).
It’s possible that all your friends moved to different parts of the country after college. Or maybe you all just slowly grew apart over the years and began to focus more on romantic relationships and careers. Or maybe all your buddies died in a freak hot air balloon accident and you were the only survivor.
Idiopathic Loneliness:
“Idiopathic” is the medical term for an illness with unknown causes.
You may have sufficent familial, romantic, and platonic relationships and still feel lonely. If this is the case, I encourage you to evaluate two things. First, the quality of your relationships and if they need to be improved. Second, your thought patterns.
If you have idiopathic loneliness, I would highly encourage you to book an appointment with a therapist. If its with me, great. If it’s with someone else, also great. As long as you are getting the help you need.
Conclusion:
Loneliness is on the rise. So know that you are not alone. The great news is that every type of loneliness is treatable. Things can get better. So take action.
Working with a therapist can help you identify your loneliness and develop an action plan to address it. You don’t need to continue to suffer. And, no. It doesn’t have to be with me! There are lots of great therapists out there.
Sources:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5280212/
Take the First Step
It’s hard to reach out, I get it… But you know what is even harder than reaching out? Staying the same.
So take a chance and schedule an appointment- let’s work together to make your goals a reality.
