Get to Know Your Male Friends Better

“Houston, we have a (communication) problem.”

I had sat next to Juan for 3 months. Our work desks were only inches apart. I liked Juan and he liked me. He had pictures of his family on his desk, he was quick to laugh, and he was an avid Lakers fan… But at the same time, I knew practically nothing about him; at least nothing of substance.

If someone were to ask me, “What is one thing you respect about Juan?” I would have fumbled my way through an answer.

But if someone were to ask me, “What does Juan think of the Lakers’ bench this year?” I could have given a 15 minute answer, complete with at least a few hypothetical trades that would ‘guarantee they go all the way.’

My point is that despite talking with Juan every day for 3 months, I knew absolutely nothing about him.

If Juan had been a woman (Juanita?); it would have been easier… Because at some point of sitting next to Juanita, she would have come forward with something of substance. Maybe she comes to work late one day and is frazzled and tells me what happened. Maybe she gets irritated after a work meeting and needs to vent. Maybe she tells me about how her husband keeps forgetting to take out the trash and so she slashed his car tires.

Probably not the last one, but it certainly would have made my Monday more interesting.

My point is that each one of those events would open the door for me to actually get to know her. Each of these situations serve as a glimpse into her personal life.

But men are discouraged from expressing emotion, and it limits our ability to connect.

Men tend to stick to only a few topics when they communicate with each other.

Most commonly discussed:

·       Sports

·       Money

·       Politics

·       Hobbies

·       Women

·       Career

Rarely ever did these topics lead to a genuine friendship. They passed the time, they were fun, but that was it. In fact, often times these topics served as a defense mechanism, designed to keep an emotional distance.

Lesser discussed topics:

·       Personal Challenges

·       Asking for Advice

·       Life Experiences (especially if it was embarrassing/negative)

Guess what? The lesser discussed topics were more likely to read to genuine friendships. The trend among these topics is that they all require a sense of vulnerability.

So just jump right into telling someone about your worst life experience?

Just for fun, I tried that and started talking about my personal challenges… it didn’t go well.

 The most successful approach is to start with a shallow topic. “Hey did you see the Lakers game last night?”

Once you’ve developed a sense of familiarity with the other person, jump to a topic of depth. “Hey, can I get your advice on something?” or “Man, I’ve been trying so hard to lose weight but I can’t seem to find a good workout routine.”

Some people will reciprocate. Other’s won’t. Don’t let it phase you.

The men that do rise to the challenge will become some of your best friends. So take a chance. Put yourself out there. And reap the reward of real friendships.

Other interesting patterns in communication between men:

• Men tended to speak to other men in a deeper voice, especially during introductions

• Men have a bad habit of “One-Upping.” (When you tell a story right after someone else does, and try to one-up it).

• Men rarely complemented each other

• Men tended to avoid giving physical affection to each other

Take the First Step

It’s hard to reach out, I get it… But you know what is even harder than reaching out? Staying the same.

So take a chance and schedule an appointment- let’s work together to make your goals a reality.